Sometimes we describe ourselves as though the description is permanent.
I'm shy.
I've always been anxious.
I'm bad with money.
I'm not disciplined.
I'm the kind of person who gives up.
I've never been confident.
We say these things so easily, often without giving them much thought.
And perhaps, right now, some of them accurately describe how we tend to behave.
But something interesting happens when we repeat these descriptions often enough.
They stop sounding like descriptions of how we've been.
They start sounding like statements about who we are.
And before long, we begin treating them as though they cannot change.
When a habit becomes an identity
Think about someone who has spent years believing they're not a confident person.
They avoid speaking up in meetings.
They hesitate to introduce themselves to new people.
They turn down opportunities because they don't believe they have what it takes.
And every time they avoid something, it becomes another piece of evidence.
See? I'm just not a confident person.
But here's something worth considering.
What if they're not looking at a permanent truth about themselves?
What if they're looking at a way of thinking and behaving that has become familiar through repetition?
Perhaps they've spent years practising hesitation.
Practising self-doubt.
Practising staying quiet.
Practising expecting rejection.
And because they've done these things so often, they now feel natural.
But something feeling natural doesn't necessarily mean it's who you have to be.
Sometimes it simply means it's what you've become accustomed to.
Your past is not your permanent address
We all have a history.
Things we've experienced.
Things we've been told.
Choices we've made.
Mistakes we regret.
Relationships that have shaped us.
Moments that changed the way we see ourselves.
And some of those experiences have had a lasting influence on who we are today.
We don't have to deny that.
You may have spent years feeling afraid.
You may have struggled with money.
You may have found it difficult to trust people.
You may have been known as one version of yourself for a very long time.
But there's a difference between acknowledging your history and allowing it to decide your entire future.
Your past may explain some of you. It doesn't have to decide all of you.
Think about that for a moment.
You can acknowledge that you've struggled with confidence without deciding that you'll always lack confidence.
You can acknowledge that you've made poor financial decisions without deciding that you're permanently bad with money.
You can acknowledge that you've been hurt in relationships without deciding that you'll never be able to trust or love again.
What has been true about you doesn't have to remain true about you.
You become what you practise
One of the principles we return to often at The Game Called Change is:
You become what you practise.
And that applies to more than the things we deliberately set out to learn.
We're practising all the time.
Every time you tell yourself you can't do something, you're reinforcing a particular way of seeing yourself.
Every time you withdraw because you're afraid of being judged, you're repeating a familiar response.
Every time you abandon something because you don't believe you'll succeed, you're giving that old identity another opportunity to express itself.
But the same principle works in another direction.
You can practise speaking up, even when your voice shakes.
You can practise keeping a small promise to yourself.
You can practise responding calmly when you would normally react.
You can practise setting a boundary.
You can practise accepting a compliment instead of immediately dismissing it.
You can practise doing something differently, even while the old thoughts and feelings are still present.
And over time, what once felt unfamiliar may begin to feel more natural.
Not because you've magically become a different person overnight.
But because you've started giving a different version of yourself opportunities to exist.
You don't have to feel like the new person before you begin
This is where many of us get stuck.
We think we need to feel confident before we can act confidently.
We need to feel disciplined before we can become consistent.
We need to feel worthy before we can start treating ourselves differently.
But what if we've got that the wrong way around?
What if confidence is something we can begin practising before we fully feel it?
What if consistency begins with keeping one small promise, rather than waiting to become a disciplined person?
What if treating yourself with more respect is part of how you begin to see yourself differently?
You don't have to wait until the old identity has completely disappeared.
You can begin while it's still there.
You can feel uncertain and still take the step.
You can feel afraid and still speak up.
You can doubt yourself and still keep your promise.
And each time you do, you're creating a new experience of yourself.
Something you can look back on and say:
I didn't think I could do that. But I did.
That matters.
Because you're no longer relying only on the idea that you could become someone different.
You're beginning to give yourself evidence.
Be careful what you keep calling yourself
Pay attention to the words you use when describing yourself.
Especially the ones that begin with:
I'm just…
I've always been…
I'm not the kind of person who…
I could never…
Sometimes those statements are so familiar that we don't even question them.
But the next time you catch yourself saying one, pause.
Ask yourself:
Is this who I am, or is this how I've been?
Those are two very different things.
One sounds like a permanent conclusion.
The other leaves room for change.
Instead of saying, I'm not disciplined, perhaps you can acknowledge:
I haven't been consistent with this.
Instead of saying, I'm terrible at relationships, perhaps:
There are things about how I relate to people that I want to change.
Instead of saying, I'm not confident, perhaps:
Confidence is something I'm learning to practise.
You're not pretending that your current difficulties don't exist.
You're simply refusing to turn them into permanent definitions of yourself.
A small practice for today
Take a few minutes and complete these two sentences.
1. I have been someone who…
Be honest about a pattern or way of being that you recognise in yourself.
Then write:
2. I am becoming someone who…
Describe the different way of being you'd like to begin practising.
Don't make it grand.
Make it believable.
For example:
I have been someone who doubts herself.
I am becoming someone who takes action even when doubt is present.
Or:
I have been someone who always puts everyone else first.
I am becoming someone who remembers that my needs matter too.
Or perhaps:
I have been someone who gives up when things become difficult.
I am becoming someone who takes a break when I need one, and then begins again.
Now ask yourself one more question:
What is one small thing I can do today that gives this person I'm becoming an opportunity to show up?
Not next month.
Not when everything is perfect.
Today.
It might be a conversation.
A decision.
A promise you keep.
A different response to something familiar.
Something small enough that you can actually do it.
Because becoming someone different doesn't always begin with a dramatic transformation.
Sometimes it begins with one moment in which you choose not to repeat the person you've always been.
You are not permanent.
You are practising.
And what you practise can change.
